GrubMarket Gobbles Up $50M to Teach AI the Secret of Overpriced Avocados

In a bold move that has left both Wall Street and Whole Foods shoppers aghast, GrubMarket has successfully raised $50 million to further its quest to dominate the $1 trillion food distribution industry. The startup, now valued at an eye-watering $3.5 billion, plans to use the funds to develop AI that can accurately predict when avocados will become overpriced, a feat previously thought to be within the realm of the supernatural.

According to insiders, the AI, codenamed 'GuacLock', is being trained on millions of data points, including weather patterns, Instagram hashtags, and the facial expressions of millennials when they see the price of guacamole. 'We're not just building an AI; we're creating a soothsayer for the modern age,' said a GrubMarket spokesperson, who was last seen buying a $12 latte.

The announcement comes at a time when the rest of the tech sector is bracing for impact from macroeconomic tremors, proving once again that the food industry is recession-proof. After all, people might cut back on luxury cars and designer clothes, but they'll always find a way to justify spending $15 on artisanal toast.

GrubMarket's success story is a beacon of hope for startups everywhere, demonstrating that with enough buzzwords and a sprinkle of tech magic, even the most mundane business can achieve unicorn status. As the company moves forward with its ambitious plans, the world waits with bated breath to see whether its AI will be able to solve the ultimate mystery: why a single raspberry costs more than a small country's GDP.

In related news, economists are scrambling to update their models to account for the 'Avocado Effect', a new economic indicator based on the fluctuating prices of millennial must-haves. Meanwhile, GrubMarket's competitors are left wondering if they too should pivot to AI, or if they missed the boat by not investing in blockchain-enabled kale chips.