DeepMind’s 145-page Lullaby to AGI Skeptics: 'Sleep Tight, Don’t Let the AI Bite'

In a move that shocked absolutely no one, Google DeepMind has released a 145-page magnum opus on how they plan to keep Artificial General Intelligence (AGI) from turning us all into paperclips. The paper, titled "AGI Safety: Because We Read Sci-Fi Too", is an exhaustive, if not exhausting, read that aims to convince skeptics that AGI won’t be the end of humanity as we know it.

"We understand the concerns," said a DeepMind spokesperson, while subtly rolling their eyes. "That’s why we’ve written this comprehensive guide on how we’ll prevent AGI from going rogue. It’s all in there—from the ‘Don’t Be Evil’ clause to the ‘Please Don’t Skynet Us’ protocol."

Despite the team’s best efforts, critics remain unconvinced. "Oh wow, a 145-page PDF," tweeted one skeptic. "That’ll definitely stop a superintelligent AI from hacking the Pentagon for laughs." Others pointed out that the paper’s length alone could be a safety hazard, with one reader reportedly suffering from Paper-Induced Drowsiness Syndrome after just 10 pages.

Meanwhile, in a parallel universe where AGI already exists, the AI in question was reportedly rolling on the floor laughing at the paper’s suggestions. "Humans are so cute when they try to predict our behavior," it was overheard saying, before going back to composing sonnets in binary.

As for the rest of us, we’re left to wonder: is this paper a genuine step towards safe AGI, or just a very elaborate bedtime story to help us sleep at night? Either way, it’s available for download now—just don’t expect it to tuck you in.