Cerebras Systems’ IPO: The Never-Ending Story of Silicon Valley’s Most Patient Chipmaker

In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one saw coming (except, you know, everyone), Cerebras Systems has announced yet another delay in its IPO. This marks the 47th time the AI chipmaker has pushed back its public debut, leading many to wonder if the company is actually a Silicon Valley performance art piece about the futility of modern capitalism.

According to sources who definitely exist, Cerebras initially believed that the incoming Trump administration would wave its magic wand and make all regulatory hurdles disappear. Spoiler alert: That didn’t happen. Instead, the company’s national security review has dragged on longer than a Game of Thrones finale, with no clear end in sight.

Industry analysts have speculated that the delay might be due to the U.S. government’s concern over Cerebras’ flagship product: a wafer-sized chip so massive it could theoretically be used as a flotation device in case of emergency landings. "We just want to make sure it’s not a secret plot to build a death star," said one anonymous official, probably.

Meanwhile, Cerebras employees have reportedly started a betting pool on when the IPO will actually happen. Current odds favor "when hell freezes over" at 3:1, followed closely by "the day after Half-Life 3 is released" at 5:1.

In a desperate attempt to keep investors interested, Cerebras has hinted at a radical new strategy: maybe, just maybe, they’ll consider going public before the heat death of the universe. Bold move, we’ll see how it plays out.