Amazon's New AI Feature: Because You Definitely Needed More Reasons to Spend Money

In a bold move that absolutely no one saw coming, Amazon has decided to double down on its mission to separate you from your hard-earned cash. Introducing "Interests", the latest AI-powered feature designed to make your shopping experience so personalized, you'll start questioning whether Amazon knows you better than your own mother.

With this groundbreaking innovation, you can now type things like "I'm feeling sad and have $200 to burn" into the search bar, and Amazon's AI will promptly suggest a lifetime supply of comfort snacks, a questionable self-help book, and a cactus named Steve. Because nothing says "I'm dealing with my emotions healthily" like an impulse buy and a prickly plant.

Amazon's press release proudly states that "Interests" uses advanced generative AI to create a "more conversational and intuitive shopping experience". Translation: The AI is now better at manipulating you into buying things you don't need by making you feel like it's your idea. "Oh, you looked at a yoga mat once three years ago? You must be a fitness guru! Here are 50 protein powders you never knew you needed!"

But wait, there's more! The feature also promises to remember your preferences, so the next time you log in, it can greet you with a cheerful "Back so soon? We missed you! Also, here's that inflatable unicorn pool float you were eyeing last night at 2 AM. You know you want it." It's like having a personal shopper, if your personal shopper was a relentless salesbot with no concept of personal space or budget constraints.

In related news, Amazon's stock price jumped 5% upon the announcement, while the collective willpower of consumers worldwide took a nosedive. When reached for comment, a spokesperson for Amazon said, "We're just helping customers discover products they'll love. Also, please buy the inflatable unicorn. It's calling your name."