AI or Die: AngelList CEO Declares Every Startup Must Now Be an AI Startup or Face Extinction

In a groundbreaking revelation that has sent shockwaves through the tech industry, AngelList CEO Avlok Kohli has declared that every software company must now be an AI company, or risk being banished to the shadow realm of irrelevance. According to Kohli, who we can only assume has been mainlining espresso shots and neural network papers, AI is not just a trend—it's a lifestyle.

"The enthusiasm into AI actually carries over into everything, including your morning coffee routine," Kohli announced, presumably while wearing a t-shirt that says "I trained my toaster with TensorFlow." He went on to reveal that AI startups now make up nearly 40% of the startups on AngelList’s platform, with the remaining 60% frantically rebranding themselves as AI companies by adding "smart" or "deep learning" to their pitch decks.

When asked about non-AI startups, Kohli laughed maniacally and said, "What even is a non-AI startup? Is it a company that just... doesn't want to predict your cat's mood or optimize your sock drawer? Sounds fake." He then unveiled his latest venture: an AI-powered AI that helps other AIs figure out how to make everything AI. Meta, right?

Meanwhile, investors are reportedly throwing money at anything with the letters "A" and "I" in its name, regardless of whether the company actually understands what those letters mean. "We invested in a startup called AIrbnb," said one venture capitalist. "Turns out it's just a guy renting out his couch, but we're calling it 'disruptive AI-driven hospitality.' It's the future."

As the AI frenzy continues to consume the tech world, startups are scrambling to keep up. "We used to be a pet food delivery service," said one founder, "but now we're an AI-powered, blockchain-enabled, quantum-inspired pet nutrition platform. Our AI predicts exactly when your dog will be hungry, and our blockchain ensures the kibble is ethically sourced. We're basically saving the world."

So, if you're a startup founder and you're not building an AI company, what are you even doing? As Kohli put it, "You might as well be selling buggy whips in the age of self-driving cars." And with that, the tech industry collectively shrugged and started coding their next AI chatbot. Because obviously, what the world needs most is another AI that can tell you the weather.